Baddie Funny Status Messages

   A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension. The fact that I'm dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant.

   God should have made stupidity painful.

   *crawls into bed* dad, I had a nightmare. Can I sleep here? *dad sighs* "Son youre 30 and we live 4 states away. How did you even get here?"

   [shows up late for first day of new job] *blames it on rush hour* [shows up late for second day of new job] *blames it on rush hour 2*

   Baby, Baby, Baby, NOOOOOOOO! - Bieber's first night in jail

   My wife's safe word is: we have 5 kids

   Picture someone robbing you. Congratulations you're a racist.

   I'm not sure which is worse: People who try to force their religion onto you. Or people who insist on telling you about their daily horoscope.

   STD = She's That Dirty

   All you need to find true love is a gun, some rope and duct tape.

   Kids, stay in school so you can afford better weed.

   I don't want Shia LaBeouf to stop making films because he might start working in a McDonald's near me and I don't want him touching my food.

   It's a beautiful day for a nice run to the liquor store.

   Maybe serial killers are just normal people who had a coworker with a runny nose.

   Your lips are saying, "yes" but your lazy eye is saying, "Ooooooooh what is that over theeerrrreee???"

   Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that's why I haven't been at work in one week.

   In traffic no one hears you scream.

   Kristen Stewart looks pretty good for someone who's facial expression is always "I murdered someone"

   There is a thin line between marriage and catastrophe.

   There comes a time in your life where nothing gets you excited anymore. I've had this feeling for like 5 years now.