Funny Status Messages

   Her: You don't make me cum. Me: You don't make me cum either. It's the sick, twisted thoughts in my head that make me cum. You're just the receptacle I shoot it into.

   A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.

   wondering if Bob Sheppard is up in heaven going " Now passing... thru the Gates of Heaven... Yankees owner... George Steinbrenner!" R.I.P. =P

   everything your not

   had a job as a bartender once at a lesbian bar, but was fired after turning too many women straight.

   Every day Stephen King and I both: 1. Get up 2. Terrify People 3. Tweet

   Overactive Bladder Hotline. Can you hold, please?

   It’s like my therapist always says, Please, put on your pants.

   The person who wrote this, is an idi@t. "The @ dmin must put an end to boring p osts before boring p osts put an end to this joint. "

   gonna bring her girlfriend...........c you at the hotel room ;-)

   Goats that intimidate others are bully goats

   Fact. The USA is in better shape than it was one year ago.

   Sometimes I open my mouth to speak and the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse spill out.

   My safe word is “insufficient funds”.

   I don't believe in god but I believe in my god given rights.

   My bank balance is sinking faster than Scott Peterson's wife.

   Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.

   I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.

   R.I.P Joan Rivers, May your non-biodegradable body poison the ground for the next thousand years like your personality has poisoned all of society for the last thousand.

   What they need in Afghanistan is Larry the Kabul Guy. He'd git 'er done.