Baddie Funny Status Messages

   Man cannot live by bread alone. He also needs head.

   Please lord let that toaster be plugged in. *watches wife fishing out bread with a fork

   I just ran over a dog. At first I felt bad but then I realized it was my ex.

   Kardashians are like door handles, every one gets a turn.

   Canadian Whiskey is just like regular whiskey except it apologizes for your hangover in the morning

   I'm white but not "I enjoy engaging people in discussions about antioxidants" white.

   I really want to attract a lot of girls this halloween. So I'm dressing up as a Nutella jar.

   I'd never slip a roofie in your drink, that's a Mentos.

   If you don't feel the love on Facebook then you're stalking the wrong people.

   Beer is good but beers are better.

   I hate the fact I can't slam the door on my cubicle.

   There is just so much for me not to care about.

   I can't decide if I should lay off the booze or just lay in it.

   Baby, I'll respect you in the morning if you leave tonight.

   Blacking out is the ultimate in relaxation.

   I'd rather see a same sex marriage than a no sex marriage.

   Religion- The longest game of Simon says ever.

   When I date single moms, I tell the kids "I'm not trying to fill the hole left by your father; just the ones inside your mother."

   I am like a hardware store. I screw. I nut. I bolt.

   Tell her you'll change. B*tches love change. Just ask Obama.