Funny Status Messages

   I have an “L” shaped sofa. Lower case.

   "Shrekticles" because, you know....

   With all the Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas iteam for sale at the sametime in the stores they should call it Hallogivemas sale.

   It should be a Thanksgiving tradition that one of the football games be the Patriots vs the Redskins.

   If you don't have an address on your house to make it easy to find then you need to address that!

   Ladies being mistaken for a hooker is same as us straight guys getting hit on by gay guys.

   What's on my mind is what do I need to do today besides waste time looking at Facebook?

   Just got done knockin boots! Alright fine, I just used a broom to brush the snow off of my sandals...

   I poured my heart out and it evaporated. FML

   Things have changed so much like 4000 years ago if you killed a lion and could fix people's teeth you would have been the king of everything

   Important life lesson learned.... you can't hide a bogger under a glass table.

   I know Milk does a body good, but Damn girl how much milk you been drinking ?

   I just executed a North Korean Squirrel.

   I had a passionate sexy romp under the covers this morning!..though I'm not too sure Wimbledon security were too thrilled about it?

   it bad that I want to mix cream liquor with my shakeology?

   I signed up for ancestry.com. I wouldn't be surprised if me results come back as 100% Budweiser.

   Ray = Zubin Dalal

   "Ask her out, Bro." "I can't." "Why not?" "I don't have the guts." -conversation between two skeltons.

   in order for ted cruz to clear his name for liking porn on twitter he should have to eat cake in front of everyone like that kid in matilda

   Forgetting to close my tab at the bar isn't as costly as forgetting to close tabs on my computer at home.