Funny Status Messages

   Media sensationalism is playing a role in the Coronavirus. Still, the virus is nothing to sneeze about. (See what I did there?)

   Every year I rotate all 4 tires on this date

   Out of toilet paper, will trade you one new roll for 5 gently used rolls

   I am going through a lot of toilet paper and kleenex in self-isolation .. . I get it now.

   My buddy gave me a Golden Girls DVD for my birthday. I told him, "Thank you for being a friend."

   All of us are tools to some degree. It's just that some are jackhammers and some are 1/4" nut drivers.

   I Love octopus. Tried to cook one the other night and took me 5 hours. The sucker kept turning off the gas.

   The Coronavirus has me upset to the point where I've lost weight... 20 lbs total! I have no appetite whatsoever so this thing needs to go away. But not just yet. I want to lose another 30.

   I think this might be a good time to get a pet. Do they have a delivery service for that?

   You heard the saying "you are what you eat", well Mc. D's must be making their Big Mac with donkey meat.

   Two Lessons Learned. One by me, the other by my cat. Me: Always check the dryer before starting. Cat: Never sleep in the dryer ever again.

   just found out that Major Lazer is a group not an individual. for how long were you guys planning on keeping this a secret? how long?

   Lest we not forget that Nicola Cage won an Academy award for best actor in a leading role for his role in the film Leaving Las Vegas in 1995.

   Ever been so juiced you started speaking fluent Ozzy Osbourne?

   OMG Pikachu!!! My life is now complete.

   Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting "Mean Girls."

   I wore a bow tie today and got pinched by three guys on my way to work. I guess what they say about bow ties are true.

   Someone said that I am easily insulted, I can't believe that ***** said that !

   All I want is someone to hug me with the same loving ferocity that Danny Trejo hugged Carmen and Juni with in Spy Kids

   Damn, I was gonna get you a birthday gift but the stores were still open.