Baddie Funny Status Messages

   I'm single by choice. Too bad the choice wasn't mine.

   I love how some people ignore the train wreck that is my life and actually try to ask me for advice with a straight face.

   What doesn't kill me makes my wife go back to the drawing board and try just a little harder the next time.

   No, whenever there's trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.

   I'll have plenty of time to be tolerant when I'm dead.

   Instead of voter fraud, why don't they just call it Electile Dysfunction?

   How much of your pants are you allowed to fold up before you're mistaken for a fisherman?

   Your Girlfriend's not listening to you? There's a slap for that.

   Gay people are such immaculate dressers because they've spent a lot of time in the closet.

   I dated a magician once; she put her hand on my leg and I turned into a motel.....

   Every yawn is a potential blowjob if you're fast enough.

   Husband: "Honey, has the postman come yet?" Wife: "No, but he's panting and sweating pretty hard."

   The real victims of the NBA lockout are tattoo parlors and rape defense attorney's.

   Well, well, well...look who's crawling back, asking me to repair the axle on their wheelchair.

   If you think holding in a fart is difficult, try holding in an ethnic joke that JUST crosses the line.

   Mother caught me jerkin it when I was 13. She asked my dad when would I stop: He told her she'd have to ask someone older than him.

   I'm the Taylor Swift of blaming others for my problems

   So "instagram" doesn't mean your dealer is right around the corner?

   *takes out one earbud* "not guilty, your honor"

   Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor "Have you ever turned down heroin?" Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.