Baddie Funny Status Messages

   A cop texted me to pull over.

   The other day I went so far back into someone's timeline I ended up on their MySpace page.

   I'll be the sinner if you be the sin.

   Alcohol is god's way of telling you you're pretty.

   If a girl doesn't squeeze toothpaste from the bottom up, never ask her for a handjob.

   My day has sucked so much I keep looking around to see if Rob Schneider is in it.

   MAKE AMERICA DRUNK AGAIN - thats the only way we are going to get through this election.

   I bet Ke$ha's parents, €arl and £inda, are super ashamed of her.

   When a skinny chic asks you if you think she’s gotten fat the best response is to lift her, put her on your shoulder and throw her off a cliff.

   Kristen Stewart doesn't get enough credit for her acting ability. I thought she was great as Harry Potter's wand.

   Ever notice the bigger the girl, the more Looney Tunes characters she has on her shirt.

   Some say I have the body of a 60 year old man, others say I have the body of a 13 year old girl. All I can say is, The police found nothing!

   The key to a relationship is both of you staring silently at your phones as the emotionless fog ushers you into the cold embrace of death.

   Just renewed my annual parking pass for the friendzone.

   She's saving herself for marriage, I'm saving myself for divorce.

   If you have never fantasized about murdering me you've never been my girlfriend.

   Hitchhikers won't kill you if you kill them first.

   My girlfriend said we can't hang out this weekend because she doesn't exist.

   I disagree revenge is a dish best served with arsenic.

   You can be dysfunctional, retarded, ugly, promiscuous, pregnant, fat, obnoxious, sick, drunk, or high, but make sure you know the difference between 'YOUR' and 'YOU'RE' or ‘THAN' and ‘THEN'.