Baddie Funny Status Messages

   Right after I shouted "No more Mr. Nice Guy" I found myself helping the neighbors clean out their garage. Something went terribly wrong.

   If she hesitates when you ask her to 'hide this in your panties' then she's not the one.

   Bacon would never leave you at the altar.

   I like my family gatherings like I like my steak. Rare

   Here's a list of helpful tips for meeting a great girl: 1. Don't be me.

   I party until the vodka tells me she loves me.

   Any room can be a panic room if she tells you "we need to talk"

   My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism. Don't worry. I never get laid.

   Boss: Why are you drinking wine at your desk? Me: Holiday party! Boss: What holiday party? Me: My point exactly you cheap old fart.

   We've got our p orno turned up really loud so the neighbours don't hear us having sex.

   I do love you for your mind, I just like your mind a lot more when you’re naked.

   Are you a man who feels confident about his opinions? Has a high self-esteem? Well I think it's time to get you a woman.

   God invented women and the next day he invented vodka cause he was like holy hell, sorry bro.

   Relationship Status: Intercepting blown kisses.

   I'm not really interested in a one-night stand. An hour, two tops, will suffice.

   Watching p0rn and the woman actually said "i love you" in the heat of the moment & its the most disgusting thing i've heard in a p0rn ever.

   White girls with weaves... No. Bad white girl.

   Its so cute when you've been in a relationship long enough that you finish each other's insults.

   And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end

   Pizza delivery is no reason to put pants on.