Funny Status Messages
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My girlfriend hit me in the face with a bottle of Johnson and Johnson 'No More Tears' shampoo. I'm claiming 'False Advertising'! 
It's so hot out that I've been sweating more than a drug smuggler going through coustoms.
"Every month my wife turns into SUCH a monster." "Haha! You mean when she gets her period?" "Huh? No. She's a werewolf."
My wife makes me wear Crocs to mark her territory.
Have you ever been driving and you look at your phone and the battery is at 5% and for some reason you think your almost out of fuel?..... Me neither 🙄
My bucket list..... 1. Bucket 2. Ice 3. 6pk beer.
Establish dominance by waiting until your wife serves the turkey and then tell her you already ate.
Why is it that every time someone moves to a warmer state all the talk about is warm weather
forget about the past you cant change it,forget about the future you cant predict it,forget about the present your not getting one
I have severe attachment issues. I struggle with attaching my keys to my key chain.
(eats exactly one apple) where is my health you wretched orb!
I feel as lonely and unwanted as the zucchini in the break room
If you puncture a hole in a garbage bag in order to roll down your window, you might be a redneck
My six year old just hissed at me. I'm either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
Just heard on the news that is sure indication you might want to evacuate before the hurricane hits is if your local Waffle House closes.
Just cleaned up my friends list, so if you can see this post it means you've made the cut because you're special! Or my worst enemy I just want to keep an eye on....
Sorry I accidentally told your wife about your "secret iphone" at the company Christmas party.
Sorry that changing your hairstyle dramatically didn't fix your life
I love those people who can make me laugh during those moments when I feel like I can’t even smile.
If Spiderman ever had to fight Black Widow, who would win? 