Funny Status Messages

   Nothing tests the love for your children like being awoken at 2 AM with a Ricky "The Dragon" Steamboat kick to the sternum.

   Must be hard playing Wheel of Fortune in Canada when everybody is constantly saying "A"

   When I'm at a club and the DJ says "Raise the Roof!" I'm always like "no thanks!" I came here to dance not to do carpentry.

   My girlfriend and I went looking at rings the other day. I decided on the onion cut. She was not amused.

   Stop comparing rap lyrics to what Trump said. Now I feel like I can't enjoy 2 Live Crew's music until I know their stance on global warming.

   Does anybody out there know the Google Map Satellite image co-ordinates of any Nudist Colonies?

   You don't need to dress up as Harley Quinn for Halloween, you're 38.

   Last night My wife asked me to take her breath away, so I hid her inhaler

   So what if the white man stole our land. Thousands of them die each year from our tobacco and we steal their money at our casinos........

   If your wife tells you that your right. Is that sarcasm?

   Not sure how many trick-or-treaters we will get, so better buy 400x more than I expect.

   Just saw a guy in the laundrymat throw in his NO FEAR white t-shirt with his colors. That guy is living the dream.

   You can tell a lot about a woman by the way she walks...... If she sways her hips from side to side she's good in bed. .. If she takes small steps she's unadventurous. .. If she's tiptoeing away from you shes got your credit card

   My wife likes to leave her shoes by the back door, so it always looks like 49 women with the same shoe size are over for a visit

   I ordered and ate a bowl of soup at Red Bowl last night.......it made Miso sick.

   21) For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here’s a tip: why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness?

   You should be allowed to pet a dog without having to say a word to the owner.

   My dentist switched me to this new sensitive toothpaste and now I can't stop crying

   2 idians running water and falling rocks went hunting in the mountains But only running water returned back to the tribe A scout went looking for falling rocks but never found him And to this day you'll see signs in the mountains watchout for falling rock

   My brother has stop talking to his wife after she refused to join the mile high club with him. If I know her she doesn't give a flying fu*k.