Baddie Funny Status Messages

   Maybe you're beautiful, or maybe he's horny.

   I would like to cordially invite you all to shut up concerning what you do not know.

   I need to meet new people to ignore.

   If you judge me by my before coffee state of mind, we can't be friends

   Holy shi t! Serena Williams is working out at my gym! Wait...maybe it's Venus. Nope... False alarm. Just some random black guy

   The most common phrase in China: "Hey! You look familiar!"

   My wife does all the cooking. Except the meth. I cook all the meth.

   Scientists say the universe is made up of Protons, Neutrons and Electrons, but I think they forgot to mention Morons.

   My wife likes to talk during sex. Stuff like: "Why is the bathroom door locked?!?" and "What are you doing in there?"

   My wife gave me a coupon good for one blowjob on my birthday. I redeemed it with her friend Betty.

   I don't mean to brag, but I'm the funniest person at this funeral.

   Show me on this bottle of Jack Daniels where feelings happened.

   A homeless guy asked me for 50 cents for a sandwich. I said, "First let me see the sandwich."

   No YouP0rn... I do not want to play poker, I'm at work for crying out loud.

   I will address an obviously elderly woman as "young lady" because I'm a charming m0therfucker.

   Pretty cool how I lock my phone like I won't check it in a minute.

   I love that you can pee anywhere you want at Wal Mart.

   I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.

   If Walmart really wanted to help its customers, they'd sell teeth.

   I'm gonna be honest, I don't even know where girls pee from.