Baddie Funny Status Messages

   I told everyone at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I won't have to talk to them.

   You make me want to be a drunker person

   You had me at "what does wrong hole mean"?

   My boss just called me an a$$hole and said I never listen. I have no idea why, I made his coffee with two teaspoons of salt like he asked.

   It's not cheating if she's there too.

   Hey, how about making a normal face when you sing?

   I wish someone could love me as much as I love looking forward to my next meal.

   So, when does this adulthood thing start then?

   Baby, I would like to enjoy my time with you, so shut the hell up.

   You guys make me wanna be a better alcoholic

   It's so romantic that you didn't press charges.

   Here, let me fix that grin on your face with this shovel.

   What I lack in charm, I make up for in confused awkwardness

   My stages of drunk: 1. No way 2. Yes way 3. Three way

   No matter what life hands you. Don't put it in a fanny pack.

   Thankfully restraining orders don't restrict freedom of thought!

   Judging by all these mosquitos passed out and puking on my chest, I've had too much tequila.

   The more attractive you are, the creepier you can be without raising eyebrows.

   I managed to use the chainsaw all afternoon without killing myself. I haven't seen my wife this disappointed since our wedding night.

   I only phone my boss from the toilet because thats the only place where he makes any sense.