Baddie Funny Status Messages

   Everything happens for a reason. For instance: You're on fire because I don't like you.

   It's all fun and games until they find traces of your DNA

   Keep eating your french fries with a fork, psycho.

   They're all cop cars when you're this high.

   When I need you, I just close my eyes and down some painkillers with a glass of wine - and suddenly I don`t need you anymore.

   My wife finally got a "Brazilian". He seems nice.

   Does anyone on Facebook ever actually get laid? Asking for me.

   I'm sure I have annoying habits as well but lately my wife is doing this thing where she ages.

   Why does eating make you fat? People should’t be punished for eating. Why don’t people who wear sunglasses indoors get fat instead.

   If I notice you've lost weight and ask what your secret is, and you say, "Diet & exercise!" I will punch you in your skinny face.

   When pronouncing my name, the "Hey A sshole" is silent.

   Never getting married. I don't need a piece of paper to tell me it's okay to emotionally torture someone.

   Sorry, I was not paying attention. I was thinking about having sex with you.

   That uneasy moment when you ask a midget what they want to be when they grow up.

   "No comment" - said no woman, ever

   Your hair smells like it wants pulling.

   It's okay to hate happy people.

   If you see a porcupine in your yard don't panic, it's just my cat and we're not done with our acupuncture session.

   Energetic people who say "I'll sleep when I'm dead", are already dead to me.

   They should line rock bottom with bubble wrap.