Baddie Funny Status Messages

   Girls that are 16 and pregnant may look stupid now.. But their kids will move out when they are 34.

   Failing a suicide attempt makes you a failure at both life and death.

   Somewhere the socks and Tupperware lids are throwing a hell of a party.

   I always keep a bottle of champagne and a large cigar under my side of the bed............. Just in case the wife stops breathing.

   Yes he's just the pizza delivery guy. But with a little chloroform & some quality time in the basement I'm positive we'll be best friends.

   There's a special place in hell for people who don't provide access to alcohol at children's parties.

   I just saw Snooki! Wait...nevermind. It was just a trash can.

   In case anyone asks, we found these dead hookers while we were digging holes in the woods.

   White = psycho. Black = thug. Arab = terrorist. Humans = idiots.

   I'm going to take a picture of my middle finger and have copies passed out at my funeral as a last Screw you.

   It doesn't matter how many times you throw up, what matters is how many times you get up, grab your glass and keep drinking.

   The best part about being single is only having to say "I'm sorry" to the dog or cat.

   Axe just released 3 new scented body sprays. 1 New skateboard 2 Halo 3 3 Mom I'm hungry

   Every time I make a new friend. They seem to figure out a way to escape from my basement.

   To all those who said I couldn't make jokes about blind people... watch me.

   But Officer, that's just my medicinal sawed-off shotgun.

   How long does someone have to be in a coma before you can eat their fries?

   I've seen homeless guys who keep their boxes in better shape than some girls keep theirs.

   Found some lovely shoes, almost new in fact, I don't know why anyone would throw them away. They were just sitting there outside the mosque.

   I swallowed my pride once and it tasted like Vodka.