Baddie Funny Status Messages

   I would leave my house a LOT more if I could take the couch with me and wear my pajamas.

   This woman at the mall doesn't even seem to care that I found a lump on her breast that she didn't know about.

   Who are you going to believe - me, a husband and father with no criminal record, or some fancy HD security footage from Victoria's Secret?

   Last I heard, my guardian angel was in the ER with alcohol poisoning.

   Lime flies when you're having rum.

   i know I am ugly but can some girl just take one for the team and go out with me tonight?

   5 years ago I met my wife, the love of my life and my baby momma. It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.

   90% of my life is regrettably trying to get out of conversations I got myself into.

   The most romantic thing I've ever done is get a girl's name tattooed on my grandpa.

   Listen, you're a great girl. I'm sure you'll find the right filter for your selfies someday.

   Since they never showed Cheetara licking her a sshole, I highly doubt she was 100% Thundercat.

   How many points do I get if I hit a Pokemon Go player with my car?

   There's something about the way you could ruin my entire life that makes me want you. - WOMEN

   I can offer a blank stare and a pat on the back if you're looking for someone to console you.

   Everybody's trying to leave their mark on the world. That's why there's graffiti and babies.

   I wish every time someone did the Gangnam Style dance they instantly got struck by lightning.

   GRAMMAR: The difference between knowing YOUR sh!t and knowing YOU'RE sh!t.

   I don't cuddle after sex because cuddling strangers is gross.

   Relationships are all about finding someone that hates children just as much as you do.

   Every time someone tells me “you have a good handshake.” I reply with “you can thank my pen*s for that.”