Baddie Funny Status Messages

   Sometimes when I shower I accidentally use conditioner first, and then shampoo so spare me your problems Egypt.

   I'm Mexican, but not "cut your lawn" Mexican. I will, however, steal your job and live with 28 other people.

   When I go to a restaurant alone, I always ask for separate checks.

   Some people can rely on their personality for birth control.

   Once she gets out of the 'spraying my face with mace' phase in our relationship she will get a better understanding of my love for her

   My mom just asked me to get her lotion from her bathroom drawer. I don't know what I saw. I don't care what I saw. This is my suicide note.

   Weirdos seem to be drawn to me and if I let my guard down for just a moment, I get stuck with some idiot telling me their life story.

   Kids are fun to be around. Then they start kicking, screaming, drooling, crying, fighting and then you're just grateful they're not yours.

   Every so often I'll bring my wife and kids out in public just so people understand why I drink.

   My daughter kicked me out of her imaginary tea party when I asked if she had any vodka.

   Reverse cowgirl, so you don't have to see her disappointment.

   The size of a woman's earrings is directly proportionate to the amount of butt stuff she'll do.

   Just yelled at the kids to go to bed, saying "Don't make me come in there!". Which is what I should've told myself during their conception.

   I only drink alcohol because there aren't enough ways to eat it.

   Sorry that after your wife said "I do" at your wedding I shouted out "BUTT STUFF"

   My dog is a typical guy, I talk to him and he's all wagging his tail, but I know he's not listening. I get it ladies

   The Titanic is a great lesson of why just the tip can get you in a lot of trouble.

   Cat hair is lonely people glitter.

   I would rather smack a piñata filled with diarrhea than go down on a Kardashian.

   My GF's an adult film actress .She's going to be furious when she finds out!