Baddie Funny Status Messages

   My girlfriend asked me what "misogynistic" meant and I told her to shut the hell up and get her fat ass back in the kitchen.

   “The Force” is weird. How come a Jedi can detect a planet being destroyed light years away but can’t tell he is kissing his own sister?

   Never trust a woman with smelly armpits.

   Sorry I spilled beer on your baby.

   If she eats pizza with a fork, she isn't going to like being bent over the dining room table.

   My girlfriend's phone space button is broken and she text me phonebrokenIwantanalternate I'm excited, but what is a ternate?

   I like people... From a distance.

   I don't even pick up the soap after I drop it in my own shower. There's just something about me I don't trust.

   Hugs that turn into sex? Where do I get those? Mine always turn to 'let me go or I will call the police'.

   I'm trying desperately not to hate your existence but you keep talking nonsense.

   Arguing with women is like wiping your ass with a wagon wheel. The sh*t keeps coming back around.

   It's our 6 year anniversary today. I bought her flowers, a cake and went out for dinner at her favorite restaurant. But the evening was ruined when we ran into my wife!

   "I'm not usually like this", I whisper as I lie on the floor in the fetal position, at a job interview.

   No thanks "Love Quotes" account. I get all my love quotes from P0rnHub.

   I wonder what it’s like to sleep with a woman who has standards.

   Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at McDonald's; Not funny, grow up.

   When you hear "that's illegal in 49 states," the other state is always Kentucky.

   My favorite mythical creature is the happy b itches in tampon commercials.

   there a phobia for leaving the house when your phone isn't fully charged? There should be.

   diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don't wear any.