Baddie Funny Status Messages

   I knew my girlfriend was getting fat once she started fitting into my wife's clothes.

   "Nipping it in the bud" sounds way more fun than it actually is.

   Well well well if it isn't the bills I keep throwing away.

   The sexual tension between me and this woman is so high that she's using codes like 'can I take your order?'

   I hate when women reject me cause I don't have money. I want them to reject me for who I truly am

   It's not a recession until your internet is cut off and you have to masturbate to the woman in a red bikini on the Special K box.

   ˆjust sent my ex a picture of my flaccid pen!s. I just wanted her to know I was thinking about her.

   The reason why I have trust issues is because there are fat vegans.

   Michael Jackson could do a very realistic Thriller video right now.

   Ugly people with beautiful babies should be investigated for child kidnapping.

   It's funny how you become mom's new favorite when your sibling goes to jail.

   A girl in yoga pants not talking on the phone. Hope she's ok.

   Just one more drink and then I'm outta here" is one of my favorite lies.

   How can I trust you when you keep running away every time I untie you?

   I'm sorry I upset you. I'll try not to be right next time.

   I don't like the term "substance abuse". I prefer "teaching substance a lesson".

   I jerked off to Poison for almost a year before I found out they were dudes. And then for like another 3 months.

   Somehow she tracked that fart back to me....and that's how I met your mother.

   Tell a woman she has cute kids and she's all proud. Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.

   How much for the sluts? Sir, that's a package of socks