Baddie Funny Status Messages

   At some point you just stop wiping your kid's ass for him and hope for the best.

   Never underestimate a woman's ability to make you feel responsible and guilty for her mistakes.

   I've given my couch the best years of my life

   Lady, Have you tried texting him 22 more times?

   My father of the year hopes and dreams were crushed the moment I joined Facebook.

   I'm not above pretending to be deaf in public to avoid unwanted human interaction.

   It's like my boss doesn't even appreciate that I'm not drinking on the job right now.

   If you're going to give the silent treatment, the least you could do is go on the street and pretend to be a mime. We're kinda broke here.

   I just assume that everything in a gas station bathroom is coated in a thin layer of HIV.

   I've been in a relationship so long I have forgotten what its like to have somebody find me sexually attractive.

   Wanna come over for pizza and sex? I'm just kidding there's no pizza.

   Hey, people who back their cars into parking spaces. I've seen enough overachieving out of you for the day.

   Can I just date your mouth?

   I like my women like I like my coffee... Tied up in a sack and shipped over from an exotic country.

   If you can read this, you're not having sex either.

   I'm not the jealous type. And no I don't know why every time you talk to someone the police find their body dumped in a river the next day.

   Anyone with more than 0 bumper stickers needs to relax

   I'd like to think I'm a decent person but honestly if I was a millionaire, the last thing I would do is dress up like a bat and fight crime.

   My business card is a picture of me looking inside the fridge.

   My seduction technique is to make things awkward and then not talk to you for a while