Baddie Funny Status Messages

   My morning prayer: Coffee, please gimme the strength I need to do stuff and put up with sh*t"

   The only thing more annoying than working for a living is people.

   You can't borrow my phone because you might go through my contacts and see what I really call you.

   "There are singles in your area." - me telling a stripper she forgot some money on the floor

   For years doctors thought I was autistic but turns out that I'm just an a$$hole.

   What idiot called it lap dancing instead of organ grinding?

   ''I want to ruin some songs today.'' -The producers of Glee every morning.

   I can't wait to find my soul mate so I can start sleeping on the couch.

   Side boob is only hot on women, bro.

   I'm just a guy struggling to find the appropriate level of inappropriateness for every social interaction I'm unlucky enough to be a part of

   No one will ever look at you the way I do.. .. .. But thats probably because no one will ever do it from the tree outside your window

   Women who build walls around yourselves, please consider putting in a gloryhole.

   Some of the most dangerous, poisonous kinds of snakes are hard to identify because they look just like a friend.

   Women who tell me I have commitment issues have never seen me with a large pizza.

   That's a nice tribal tattoo you have there, caucasian man... or should I refer to your Native American name 'Man That Paddles Douche Canoe'

   Sorry I accidentally turned off all the lights and played dead when you knocked on the door.

   Sometimes I can't remember what parking lot I left my car in at the mall so I get it Malaysia Airlines...I totally get it.

   Every time I visit my parents, I send the kids in first so they can signal me if it's an intervention.

   When cutting my cocaine I always use my medical insurance card. It just feels right.

   How much for the masturbation cocoon? Sir that's a sleeping bag.