Baddie Funny Status Messages

   I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.

   If money can't buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?

   Actually Ke$ha, I think the rest of us don't want to die young. But you should definitely go ahead without us.

   I hate when a rap song comes on and I'm white.

   Ladies; If the first date is going really well you should probably bring up marriage so he knows you're serious about him.

   Love is like a fart. If you have to force it, it's probably sh!t.

   Why can't someone look at me the same way I look at pizza?

   Boobs are the best hand warmers.

   Some say chivalry is dead, but given the number of times I've held in a fart while getting a blow job, I'd say chivalry is alive & well.

   Did you know vegan is short for joyless judgemental twat.

   As a guy, the hardest thing about shopping for lingerie is asking for a fitting room

   What doesn't kill me just makes me want to kill someone else.

   I miss the 80s when everyone wasn't such an oversensitive online twat!

   My heart has no room for you but the trunk of my car does!

   I saw a monarch butterfly today, what made it so special is the fact that it was the first time it wasn't stamped on some stripper's ass.

   It's like grandma always said, "Buy a selfie stick and you're out of my will."

   My tolerance for alcohol is way higher than my tolerance for people

   Being alone with my thoughts always leads to masturbation.

   How much for the death sentence? Sir, this is a marriage license.

   I might wake up early and go running but I also might win the lottery the odds are about the same