Baddie Funny Status Messages

   Not now, I'm busy bringing shame to my family on the internet.

   I hate when my girlfriend lets something silly like a restraining order get in between us.

   I'm lonely, but not 'talk to people' lonely.

   Don't worry, I got your back. And your ass. And a little in your hair too.

   I'm pretty sure country music singers are all just the same guy wearing different hats.

   can someone please tell Kim Jong-Un that Seth Rogen is Canadian

   Ok, I'm finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.

   So Blue Ivy got the stripper name, and North West got the direction to the strip club? Nice, team work.

   It's amazing how a little p0rn, masturbation, and a 20 minute nap can change your disposition.

   A beautiful woman touched my balls! It was with her foot when she kicked me, & she thinks my name is “sexist pig”, but I think she likes me!

   I'm sorry, I couldn't understand a single word that was coming out of your boobs.

   The person who came up with the word "lisp" wath a real athhole

   I'm running out of ways to not hit people.

   'I'm wearing yoga pants', is the new 'I'm not wearing any panties'

   I don't carry a gun, but I do carry an uncomfortable amount of eye contact.

   It’s so embarrassing when you say, "I love you, too," only to realize the person was waving to someone behind you.

   Hello 911? Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago

   Does it count as saving someone's life if you just refrain from killing them?

   My wife says I'm a clueless idiot. I didn't even know I had a wife.

   P0rn is so unrealistic. There is no way in hell a guy with a ponytail would own a house that nice.