Baddie Funny Status Messages

   seriously bothered, one of my socks just keeps sinking into my shoe like it’s ashamed of being seen with me in public.

   Boobs are nature's antidepressants.

   I tried sweeping a problem under the rug once, but her legs kept sticking out.

   Social Media: When you can't stand being around human beings but also can't stand to be alone with your thoughts.

   I'm always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones

   Hey baby, did it hurt when you fell from your parents' lofty expectations?

   I got 69 problems. My girlfriend is a midget.

   Life's like a box of chocolate, it doesn't last very long for fat people.

   I always cry after sex... $400.00 is a lot of money.

   I'll have what she's shaving.

   Couples who wear matching clothes should be stabbed with matching knives.

   Do people smoke e-cigarettes after sexting?

   “we should hang out soon” loosely translates to I’m doing everything in my power to end this stupid conversation.

   What the hell is this REstraining Order?!? I never even got a Straining Order? I'm gonna go over to her house and sort this out.

   Thanks coffee for tricking us into believing that it's a good morning for a few minutes.

   *Pizza Hut job interview* "Do you own a sh*tty car and smoke pot?" No sir. "You will."

   Guys, it is true. Size DOES matter. When have you ever been satisfied after she brings you a small sandwich?

   If a woman ever asks you if you know what your problem is, don't answer. It'll only make it worse.

   don't go outside, people talk to you. i'm still shaking.

   UK's terror alert levels: 1. Oh we couldn't possibly 2. Blimey! 3. Call Jeeves!! 4. Bloody hell 5. *puts down teacup*