Baddie Funny Status Messages

   You had me at "I can't have children."

   She said, "I finally got my period." and all I heard was, "You get to keep your paychecks."

   Don't know how you got your head that far up your ass with your foot in your mouth, but damn thats impressive.

   Lisa in Accounts suggested we play Xmas music in the office. Long story short, she left early due to food poisoning.

   I used to care but I take a pill for that now.

   I'm saving myself for prison.

   Whenever I have sex I always pretend I'm having it with someone.

   the only reason Kanye likes Kim's ass all oiled up is because he can see his own reflection in it.

   Out of all the lies I've ever told, "Just kidding" is my favourite.

   I tried killing a spider with glitter body spray. Now it won't stop stripping and I have to call it Cinnamon.

   G ay guys and black women win the eye rolling contest!

   If hangovers were a band, they'd be Nickelback.

   Babies are so cute because none of them are mine.

   Yes. You're Wrong: A guide for men preparing for marriage.

   i don't understand the hype around iOS8, people update java and adobe flash player on a daily basis and don't tell everyone about it.

   I'll just admire you from afar.. Or 500ft. That's what this paper says.

   Think of me as an idea. A really, really bad idea.

   Imagination: because if I we did you as much as I thought about it, we'd both be unemployed.

   I separate women into two categories: 1. Women I would have sex with. 2. Dudes.

   I don't think I've ever seen a Mexican midget. I bet they're all just having a hard time making it over the fence