Baddie Funny Status Messages

   I miss those good old days when you were just another stranger.

   Somewhere, an innocent and naive couple deeply in love is saying crazy stuff like, "let's have plenty of kids. Nothing will change. How hard can it be?"

   My wife said to me, "Isn't it odd how on our keyboard the letters ORPN have been worn out?"

   Everyone deserves one free kill in life.

   Don't judge a woman by her granny panties but by what's inside.

   Ladies, if you are really good at blow jobs, you don’t have to pretend to like football.

   I ate so much Chinese food this week I can feel my d ick getting smaller. Related: eating fried chicken all next week.

   How am I supposed to show a girl I like her, if I can't even make her a mix tape anymore?

   Your water broke? Do I look like an idiot? You can't "break" water...get back to work.

   Son: Where did I come from daddy? Dad: Your Mother Son: Where did she come from? Dad: THE DEPTHS OF HELL!!!!!

   I just googled "dying alone" and it brought me to my own Facebook Page.

   When a midget smokes weed does he get high? Or medium?

   She said there's no difference between turkey bacon and regular bacon, and now I'm supposed to just "forget about it"?

   90% of socializing is wondering what to do with your hands when out in public.

   Politicians are like prostitutes; they get paid to pretend they like people while they are screwing them.

   Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy. Unless your wife finds out.

   A yawn is a silent scream for coffee.

   If you don't die at the end of your Facebook movie, I'm not interested.

   My love life is so boring that Adam Sandler and Drew Barrymore are going to make a movie about it.

   Using a cellphone in 90's: "he's prob a drug dealer" Using a payphone today: "he's prob a drug dealer"