Funny Status Messages
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Whoever kept Mike and Molly on the air by continually watching it which allowed it to go into syndication,,, I hate you. 
Chitty Chitty Bang Bang is my favorite movie that sounds like a bad Mexican orgy.
My family crest is a single rotisserie chicken.
In Gary Johnson's defense, its not easy keeping up with current events when you're stoned all the time.
Did you know, if you hold an empty bottle of Yellow Tail Chardonnay to your ear you can hear a soccer mom complaining that she didn't get her ranch dressing.
May your day be just a little bit brighter knowing that even Brad Pitt can get dumped.
No one wants to watch your Facebook live video from your crappy seats at a football game.
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard.
Add 'sexy' to anything and it instantly becomes a female Halloween costume.
Why aren't there breakfast bars that taste like bacon and eggs or biscuits and gravy??
I take all my Christmas pictures a couple months early before I put on all the serious weight.
Cashier just yelled at me to remove my chip card from the reader like I left a dog in a hot car.
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
Does anyone know if Santa will be sending out a progress report?
[restaurant] waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before? me: no but I know how to order food
Social Distancing has taken all the sport out of trying to avoid people.
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you. ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’ HER: I need to see other people.
I'd really like to get personalized license plates for my car but they're so expensive I decided to change my name to XJS-3582 