Baddie Funny Status Messages

   If you own a dog that can fit inside a handbag, you don't own a dog ... or even a pet. You own a fashion accessory that sh*ts a lot.

   I may be way off here but I suspect there is a correlation between your failure to get a descent job and the dumb tattoos all over your neck and face.

   Cop: do you know why I pulled you over? Me: No idea, I'm not black.

   Dear Social Media, thanks for showing me that I can like people. So long as I don't have to see, touch, or smell them.

   Don't half ass it. It's not a real nap unless you take your pants off.

   A girl picking up the phone in the middle of sex is a free pass to get weird.

   Things more fashionable than a Nickelback t-shirt: 1. Fanny packs. 2. Mom jeans. 3. Crocs. 4. Men's Capri pants. 5. Being on fire.

   Stupid people with their "hello's" and "how you doing sir's?" and "do you know how fast you were going's?"

   Some people say, “Facebook me” while others say, “Follow me.” But, I miss the classic, “blow me.”

   My favorite Kardashian is the one who dies first.

   I see dead people. No wait, I take that back. I see people I want dead.

   I'm "got my sexual education from a 2 Live Crew cassette tape" years old.

   I’d rather wear Rosie O’Donnell’s dirty underwear as a ski mask than turn Facebook chat on.

   Don't forget to show appreciation to those you're most thankful for this holiday season. You know your pharmacist, bartender and weed guy.

   Researchers say men are 3 times more likely to be the first to say "I love you", than women. In our defence, ladies, we don't mean it

   Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.

   Coffee so black it has it's own entertainment network.

   An 89 is just a 69 with a fat chick.

   The best thing about depression is all the naps. Also the frequent snacks. Also the heavy drinking. The drugs are cool too.

   I'm glad I don't have to hunt for my food. I'm not even sure where sandwiches live.