Baddie Funny Status Messages

   My dad use to take me to the circus to see the tattooed man and the bearded lady. Now, I can see them anytime shopping at Walmart.

   It's amazing how everyone is suddenly a political genius one month every 4 years.

   I'm the black sheep of my family, or as I like to say, I'm not the boring one.

   All I am saying is if Donald Trump was really a friend of the Gay people, one of them would have fixed his wig and makeup by now.

   You lost me at "Sir, we need your social security number to run a credit check"

   When you don't wear makeup I feel like I'm cheating on you with your brother.

   Get married, you're gonna die anyways.

   I never trust vans with clear windows because I can already see that they don't have candy in them.

   Hey ladies breastfeeding in public,... why don't you ever smile in my pictures?

   Interviewer: Any questions you’d like to ask us? Me: What level of candy crush are you on?

   I'm gonna ignore you like an I.T. guy.

   my vodka just did the ice bucket challenge.

   Serious question: do the Kardashians breed like humans or do they lay eggs?

   I'm not crazy, but I was once abducted by aliens. They interrogated me. I didn't understand anything. I don't speak Spanish

   What is it about waking up that babies find so traumatic?

   Apparently putting toothpaste on your ass DOES NOT stop you from being raped in prison. So much for complete cavity protection.

   The worst thing about doggie style is you can both see your kid come into the room.

   If you're looking for an excuse to ruin your life, I'm right here.

   This waking up and doing stuff seems like a thing we have to put up with for quite a while.

   If a Prius is your getaway car, I am afraid you're going to jail.