Baddie Funny Status Messages

   Why is it the less money someone makes the better they are at reproducing?

   A good rule of thumb is to take the amount of trust you have in someone's knowledge and decrease it by 15% for each tooth they're missing.

   No, I can't come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.

   it possible to love the one you're with but not be able to stand the sound of their breathing? Asking for a friend

   The best thing about marriage is how wives always like to joke about making sure the life insurance premiums are paid up... lol!

   Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.

   My daughter just said when she grows up she wants to marry someone just like me. Now I can't stop crying.

   Listen. You can keep retaking all the pictures you want, but that's what your face looks like.

   She couldn't wrap her mind around it, so she used her mouth instead.

   I thought there'd be more sex during my sexual prime.

   Ladies, we don't really want a sandwich after sex, we just want you to get out of the bed so we can go to sleep

   They're playing Nicki Minaj at the zoo. Wait nope, just a couple of chimpanzees fighting.

   I'm old, but I'm not "has friends that have died from natural causes" old.

   You ever wonder why it's only women who need exorcisms?

   Nice selfie, I love the way the light brings out the bat sh*t crazy psycho in your eyes.

   I got passed by a Prius on the Interstate and now I’m legally required to pee sitting down.

   Dance like nodody's watching, love like no one can give the authorities a helpful description, stalk like there's no restraining order.

   Just accepted a job offer while taking a poop. Congratulations, you hired one hell of a multi tasker.

   Wished Justin Bieber would do a tour in the Middle East, Afghanistan to be specific..

   Screw foreplay. I start sex the way a SWAT team kicks down a door.