Funny Status Messages

   i dropped my affordable health care because I couldn't afford it .

   If you never whined and begged your mom for a quarter to put in the trinket machine in the front of the grocery store and then ended up chasing a bouncy ball down isle 9 and knocking over a pyramid of potted meat then your childhood probably sucked.

   Well behaved women rarely make browser history.

   A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice!!!

   Congratulations to all who won in the election and my condolences to all who have lost I wish you all the best in the future. Now please get your dayum signs off my street corners. Have a great day.

   My wife just cleaned out her purse. So, she'll be having a garage sale later this week.

   If ur gonna play the role of victim, make sure you include how you got the part...

   I don't always cut down a fresh Christmas tree..but when I do, I pick the best one in my neighbors yard ;)

   Relationships these days are like birthdays; once the cake is eaten, the party's over!

   At this point, people still invite me to things bc they want to see how creative my excuse will be for not going.

   Was hating my job until I drove past a grown man dressed as a Taco on the side of the road. Thanks again Perspective

   i like that you try to compete with me. At least you have a goal...unrealistic and unatainable, but at least its a goal!

   yeah I was a vegetarian once before......for like 5 hours...til my next meal...

   I really wish my eyes could take photos.

   To be honest with you I start all my lies with to be honest with you.

   There’s a mathematical formula for understanding women. I forgot the specifics, but at the end you divide by zero.

   My goal today is to lose this hangover and earn another

   If I had a chainsaw, that would be my answer to everything

   Sugar Babies --- College girls hooking up with older men to pay their tuition.

   My teleporter’s broken, I've lost my superpowers, and my sidekick is out of town. Only one last hope for humanity: Must... get.... the... cork... out... of... this... wine.... bottle.....