Baddie Funny Status Messages

   To My Ex: It's not that I didn't like sex; I just realized it was a lot more enjoyable by myself than with you.

   A black guy called me a disgrace in front of his girlfriend, but then I realized he was introducing me to his girlfriend Grace.

   Accidentally poured myself a glass of vodka at 9am. Accidentally drank it too. I'm so damn clumsy.

   I don't understand why it's called a Chastity Belt. Everyone I know named Chastity is a stripper.

   I bet that caveman was like "I'll teach my wife how to talk, what could possibly go wrong?"

   Women: Think of every guy you have ever been friends with. He has jerked off to you. Good talk.

   You haven't lived until you've had an 80 year old white woman push past you at the liquor store and call you a "f aggot"

   Was asked if I have a drinking problem. I said no, I've got it figured out

   WoW! Sit-Downs are way easier than Sit-Ups!

   Haven't seen a Marilyn Monroe quote in a while. I hope she's okay.

   I really love it when a hot girl winks at me with both eyes.

   More coffee, less people please.

   Please take your b itching about the weather to Twitter. None of us here goes outside anyway.

   there's a difference between a country girl and some slut with a hat

   If Coca-Cola really cared about the obesity problem they'd put cocaine back in.

   Why get married when you can just drive into oncoming traffic?

   Maybe lions don't even like antelope meat maybe they just keep eating them because we all know how annoying vegetarians can be.

   When I go in to kiss a girl, I always close my eyes. I've learned from experience that if they're open, pepper spray gets into them.

   Ladies if you want me, I'll be in the Friend zone driving under the speed limit as usual.

   I've disappointed a lot of people in my life, you're not special.