Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you’re stranded in the middle of the ocean, don’t fart. Scramble the letters and make a raft.

   Started a new diet, nothing but baked beans and prune juice for the next nine weeks.

   These mask mandates just made ventriloquism a lot easier.

   My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.

   Facebook was removed for violating Facebook community standards.

   So how long before GoFundMe is our nation's leading health care provider?

   It’s Thursday… or as I like to call it, “Day 4 of the hostage situation.”

   If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.

   ME: welcome to my man cave. PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.

   Recipes should include photos of the mess you have to clean up afterwards.

   The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.

   If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.

   At this point in my marriage, showering together is just a convenient way to check for ticks.

   Every Halloween I turn on Unchained Melody, and sit in front of a pottery wheel in the hopes that Patrick Swayze will return.

   Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation

   "I look ridiculous!" --First wolf in sheep's clothing

   Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson hasn't released a movie in three weeks. I hope he's okay.

   Thinking of making a horror movie titled Front Facing Camera

   When a solicitor calls, I just hand the phone to my 8-year-old and tell him this nice lady wants to hear every last detail about your Minecraft village.

   If you think human beings have evolved a lot. Look at how much Egyptians worshiped cats... Then go look at Facebook for about 5 minutes.