Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear Hulu, Disney, Apple, Netflix, Amazon, CBS, NBC, and everyone else trying to create a streaming service: we’re not going to pay for eight of these, work it out.

   Welcome to McBrandon’s…. Would you like some lies with that?

   Hunter Biden walks away from multiple felony charges. The media; look, a submarine!

   My friend’s uncle was a hypochondriac. People like that make me sick.

   If your IQ is 35 but you think it’s 220, you’re probably a moron.

   Here’s to our wives and girlfriends, may they never meet!

   Twenty years ago, the internet was an escape from the real world. Today, the real world is an escape from the internet.

   That’s a horrible idea. What time?

   We are all here on earth to help others. What on earth the others are here for I don’t know.

   Milk comes from cows, not almonds or other hippy lifestyle products.

   If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.

   I do not like your mental haze. I do not like your leftist ways. I do not like your son on blow. I do not like you Sleepy Joe.

   Was stung by a bee, guess what happened? That’s right, a Welp.

   Step 1: remove food from packaging Step 2: dig packaging out of trash to locate cook time

   I’ve done some terrible things for money...... Like getting up early to go to work. ‬

   If your ideology makes you hide your face with a mask, then you are a coward.

   Can’t understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.

   Let go of my ears, I know what I’m doing.

   I want my paychecks in pennies so I can swim in it like Scrooge McDuck.

   4 o’clock and all is Welp.