Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My current mood would not get a good Yelp review.

   There once was a chap named Joe Biden, some think he’s as old as Poseidon. His panicking staff, locked the lord of the gaffe, in a basement where he is still hidin’.

   Autocorrect makes me say things I didn’t Nintendo.

   The word abbreviation sure is long for what it means.

   Everything we hear is an opinion, not a fact. Everything we see is a perspective, not the truth.

   Innocent child dies horrifically. Oompa Loompas: Time for a song and dance.

   If your cup is only half full, you probably need a new bra size.

   I don’t trust children. They’re here to replace us.

   A lot of people don’t struggle with depression, they struggle with the reality we live in.

   It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits in the newspaper.

   If Biden is the answer, how stupid is the question?

   “We just want to be treated like normal people,” says the Drag Queen twerking in front of a bunch of toddlers.

   Now that the statues are down, tell us how your life has improved. Take your time, I’ll wait.

   You can't sell electric cars if gas is cheap. If you don't think that's part of the plan, you're not paying attention.

   You had me at “I hate everyone too.”

   Tell us more about your welp...

   According to a new survey, 90% of men say their lover is also their best friend. Which is really kind of disturbing when you consider man’s best friend is his dog.

   You’ve got to be very careful if you don’t know where you are going, because you might not get there.

   Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.

   Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party