Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Please don't hesitate if you want to contact me so I can ignore you.

   The last time I saw officiating like that was a BW3 commercial.

   You're like the first time I wash my hair after a good cut...I thought there had to be more...but now I'm just glad you're gone.

   Lets just say fashion doesn't understand me.

   so...I gues it doesn't pay to enrich your word power...

   Those aren't butterflies, honey; that's gas. Go burp & get over him.

   the other person supposed to know you're having Tantric sex with them?

   just because you don't like it doesn't mean it is not true.

   By no stretch of the imagination do I consider myself to be a fashion plate of any kind, yet I do have the good sense to not have anything green in my wardrobe.

   Really cleav...klev......Intelagen.......Smart!

   I see people are still talking about their spirit animals. They put mine to sleep so I can't go in on that one.

   Don’t fear anything; just try and understand it before you kill it.

   When filling out a resume, is "Facebook friends" capitalized? Asking for a friend....

   Ironically, my sugar daddy has diabetes.

   It was sooo cold last night I had to use 2 laptops and 3 tablets just to keep warm! Camping is hard.

   It is very important to encourage personal growth. I often try to encourage myself to grow past making fun of stupid people.

   It feels like the time of the day when I have a trough of cinnamon toast crunch.

   I go tweetless when I see you.

   It's really crazy that you don't heara round of applause every time youorder a salad.

   Most people learn from lessons others have to be taught...