Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Throws book at someones face* "WHAT WAS THAT FOR?!?!" "I just Facebooked you" :)

   Are you related to Yoda? 'Cause Yodalicious!

   Action movies don't seem as awesome when you realize all the actors, directors and writers are g ay...

   Happy Steak & B***J** day guys!

   Life is dangerous: You could slip in the shower, get hit by a bus, mauled by a bear or drown in breasts (it happens, look it up).

   I started a new job, Going good so far, Working as a comedian in an old folks home, I tell them jokes, They don't understand me,They still piss themselves...

   I onced climaxed to the sound of my own voice. It was one of the most beautiful moments of my life.

   Gay men don't play chess because they don't want to sacrifice a Queen.

   Tell me how a 74 year old man has an opportunity to fly a plane in the crowd at an air show in Reno Nevada when the Dr's took away my grandfather's license away just for falling asleep several times at the wheel on I-81??

   I'm guessing the opposite of Christopher Reeves is Christopher Walken

   I met a farmer who genetically altered a turkey to have 6 legs. I asked him how it tasted. He said he didn't know. He couldn't catch it.

   It's nice to see that SNL let Miss Piggy host SNL tonight

   The way Donald Trump think everyone is a killer, its safe to believe he was a cat in previous life.

   Ronda Rousey raped me, ok it wasn't rape, I enjoyed it. . .

   Wouldn't it be ironic if dousing with cold water caused cancer??

   Dear Trump supporters, I don't know what century you guys live in, but all my clocks change themselves.

   Anytime I meet a Realtor, I drop my pants and ask her if this is a lot??

   I'd love to see the headlines if the day ever came that Arnold Schwarzenegger was diagnosed with a tumor.

   walking through the forest dressed as a deer

   wonders if vegetarians can eat animal crackers.