Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I once could hear everything but your cries..but now I cant hear anything but your silence....

   I don't brag at all because I'm just that wonderful.

   todays status has been brought to you by the letter "F" and "U" and by the number "69"

   Had two beers after work with friends, and when I say two I mean pitchers and when I say friends I mean a$$holes I work with.

   i bet you the first club was a barbershop.

   If you go to jail and get punked for your shower shoes, pissing on your feet is an equally effective way to disinfect.

   a hazard to myself

   I woke up this morning and you were gone, then I thought... oh wait, it wasn't you.... never mind.

   eating soup with chop sticks..........this may take awhile

   I've gotta have more people in my life that love my elbows.. .

   having dingy facial hair a requirement to be a boxer now?

   Just called in sick to work with Buck Fever.

   I be the internet moves quite fast between midnight and 3am. All the Potter geeks will be at the movies rather than searching for online "secrets".

   Once had an awkward moment just to see how it feels like

   Marriage is a three ring circus: the engagement ring, the wedding ring, and then there's the suffering

   Curiosity killed the heroine Cat

   Actually found a way to enjoy Black Friday...baked beans with onions.

   Im not tryin to start no controversy but wouldn't some pizza combos and a cream soda hit the spot right now?

   Today shopping malls will be empty... however parking lots will be full...

   Therapists should just buy a bunch of baby pandas & be like to their patients "Are you depressed? Well here's a baby panda." Problem solved.