Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.

   Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.

   U don git da bug if you already da illest, knowahimsayin

   Travel and tell no one. Live a true love story and tell no one. Live happily and tell no one. People ruin beautiful things.

   I love you, but I’ve chosen Rock & Roll.

   Cougar Area: Please stay on trails, travel in small groups and do not allow men under 30 to travel alone.

   I have a PHD, P – pretty, H – huge, D

   Audit finds half of Joe Biden’s Twitter followers are fake.

   An alcoholic is someone you don’t like who drinks as much as you do.

   Hey Gurl, if your phone number turned into money, how much would you have?

   Had a welp once, saw a doctor and got rid of it.

   My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.

   Her: I have ovaries. Him: Is that why you ovary act?

   Gas prices keep getting higher, but it still tastes the same.

   We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing. But we wouldn't be laughing that evening when he'd come back with some whore he picked up in town.

   T.G.I.A. ~ Thank goodness I’m awesome!

   A smile is a facelift that’s in everyone’s price range.

   To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.

   Dear, what-ever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now, thanks.

   Listening to Johnny Depp talk is like watching a turtle wade though quicksand.