Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why is an alarm clock going “off” when it actually turns on?

   There's a reason stressed is "desserts" spelled backwards!

   rated MA for a mature audience, he contains coarse language, some nudity and adult themes

   Dating is for suckers who are spending a lot of money and aren't getting any.

   Women don't hit harder. We hit lower.

   Free to a any home (good or bad): Prime Minister David Cameron & Chancellor George Osbourne. If interested don't contact the people of the UK... Just take them. PLEASE!!!!

   Johnny takes leftover firecrackers from the 4th of July, puts them in an ant bed and blows them up…Good old Days - Ants die… Present - ATF, Homeland Security, and the FBI are all called. Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism...WTF...

   SWEET ! Bieber got lit up by C.I.S. , damn its only TV though...

   was wondering why kamikaze pilots bothered to wear helmets!

   Got "White Boy Wasted" last night..  it's only right I go see The Hangover Part II today..  :)

   What's all this about Lebron being a Weiner?

   I throw Justin Bieber at the wall sometimes, saying AYO...I missed the window...

   This girl got all pissed off at me because I was reading the back of her pants......so what if I was trying to read it in braille

   Why Are there always TWO bathtubs? And they're outside? ....... Wrong,, Wrong,, Wrong,, These people don't need a little blue pill,, they need counsuling....

   I went to a pizzeria yesterday that puts marijuana instead of oregano in their sauce. I ended up eating 30 pizzas.

   Follow Does this Dress make me look cross-dresserish?

   I knew these Siamese twins. They moved to England, so the other one could drive.

   GRUMPY OLD MAN "You need to pick up after your dog!!" ME "It's pee! If you want to grab a straw and suck it up… be my guest"

   Dear mom who just learned what "lol" means, ROTFLMFAO. Sincerely, good luck with that one :]

   I swear my pillow could be a hairstylist,, I always wake up with the weirdest hairdos.