Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why do people feel safe under blankets? It's not like a murderer will come in thinking “I'M GOING TO KILL.. Ah darn he's under a blanket”!!

   Bobby Brown abruptly left Whitney Houston's funeral at about 12:20. Heard it was for a smoke break. I think he's just jealous of Kevin Costner's speech

   Mr. Sandusky is going to open a new college called Bring em' Young!!

   TICKLING; Is like being raped but you're forced to laugh... And I totally hate it - _ -

   My fat friends all want to go to dinner and my skinny friends all want to go to yoga.

   A SMART WOMEN spends all her husbands Money so he cannot Remarry, A SMART MAN makes more than his Wife can SPEND!!!

   worships the King of Burgers. He let's you have it 'Yahweh'.

   whats the point of being nice if it goes unnoticed.

   did you know President George W. Bush and Playboy founder Hugh Hefner are cousins!

   I phoned up the spiritual leader of Tibet and he sent me a large goat with a long neck. Turns out I phoned Dial-a-Llama

   Yesterday was hump day and I totally forgot to hump someone. If you let me hump you today I may give you some money. Don't worry, it's not prostitution unless I finish

   Napsterbation. Combining two of my favorite activities..

   "I can feel it coming in the heir tonight" - Phil Collins having sex with Paris Hilton

   AhhhChooo!! If you are allergic to bulls**t, liars, head games, drama queens, two-faced fake people... Repost this and keep this sneeze going.

   That akward moment when you go to collect your welfare payment but realised you burnt the post office down last week :(

   and God said, "Let there be Friday" ..and the devil said, "Let there be beer"

   i'm so romantic, sometimes I think I should date myself.

   The University of Maryland uniforms were so ugly.....How ugly are they???So ugly that a University of Miami player was overheard saying "You couldn't pay me to wear those uniforms"

   lay off the cars and sony stuff and make an earthquake detctor.

   Don't let your life be hell, you get more than enough of that when it's over