Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Brett Favre told the Vikings he is retiring today, but also said he will sign his new contract by Friday.

   Definition of a Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary!

   ...Playboy launches work-friendly website. Still be nude girls but on every other page will be a naked pic of Hef to reduce workers' erections.

   The best stuff on earth and I just got better

   I want a woman not some little girl, that had to grow up in daddy's big world.

   The difference between women and girls are the price of their boy toys.

   Every piece of paper has two good sides... Unless you use magic marker then you're out of luck

   Valentine's Day ends tomorrow..so dont forget to wake me up!!!

   considering taking on a plumbing study course in an attempt to find a $200,000 Dollar ring down th toilet drain. I already got a diving suite anyway...

   Damn my liver just pinched my ass,dosnt this green beer count?

   CHAOS, PANIC & DISORDER... I CAME, I SAW & I CONQUERED... MY WORK HERE IS DONE... NOW PUT THAT ON MY RESUME!!

   My dads in the CIA but I'm not allowed to talk about it or something.

   wishes Beiber's job would be exported to India.

   When I get to where I'm going, will somebody please tell me where I am?

   I'm way too cool for you boy, that's why it will never work...

   An Iranian cleric is blaming earthquakes on promiscuous women. He's only partially correct. For the ground to move, she needs to be on top.

   I'll tear down the stars and I'll give them to you. They're not as pretty as your eyes, but I guess they'll have to do.

   Instead of studying for Finals I am currently putting together my audition tape for the next season of Jersey Shore...Not Glee...I have standards...

   The tag "in bed" that makes fortune cookies so funny, makes Mother's Day cards creepy. Just sayin' (uncle Bill!).

   There are two kinds of secrets : one is not worth keeping and the other is too good to keep.