Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Because the military is land of the free home of there brave, and pride month is a man that talks like a fairy and wears a man bun and probably paints his nails. Just sayin'

   like who in their right mind would waste good money on life insurance when you can tell your sob story on Go Fund Me and stupid people to give you money?

   Hello, ABC? It's less than 40 hours until New Year's Eve...time to fill the sink with water and defrost Dick Clark.

   I just save $329.99 from not buying 30 vials of Restasis for dry eyes by having someone come by my house three times a day and poke me in the eyes...

   It isn't the alternative facts that makes the White House dangerous, it's the alternative reality.

   Rick Perry has only done 3 things as Energy Secretary: Deny climate change, attack a gay student, and... I can't remember the third thing.

   France must need a communist in office to step up to the plate.

   So ticket resellers are selling tickets to Charlie Sheen's show at a 75% loss. Why would the average American pay $52 to see something they can read on Twitter for free? Losing. duh.

   What a woman wants is what you are out of. She wants more of a thing when it is scarce.

   It's so Hot my ice cream is melting in the freezer

   That awkward moment when you chilling in a park and Bruno Mars walks by dragging the piano ;)

   ahhh where the hell is spring? if you see her around tell her to come see me immediately

   Have you ever called to make payment arrangements on a bill, and forgot you already paid it? Me neither....

   English fans are so soccer crazy, they are even having pre-season hooliganism riots!

   Why cant Govts, like husbands and boyfriends, simply say sorry and defuse a crisis before it goes out of hand???

   moves like jagger

   I love women's mentality "I said 'leave and never come back' but all I really want is you to stand outside my window throwing pebbles screaming 'I'm in love with you'!" - Taylor Swift

   A history of 9/11 this weekend. I'll be watching. Peace: the ultimate want. If everyone would bend, we'd have this... CJ

   Got my heart broken recently...makes me wanna crack their skull....afterall fair is fair....right?

   If you're a British actor and you weren't in atleast one Harry Potter movie, its time for a little self evaluation on your career choice