Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I am in a bloodsucking relationship with survival.

   I can't concentrate on my work until Google fixes the cheeseburger emoji.

   They say time & water carved the Grand Canyon. I washed my underwear 20 times in Tide with Bleach and yup, skid marks still there.

   Kevin Durant just announced he's signing with the Eagles.

   My dog keeps chewing on my sofa and two arm chairs. I think he may have a suite tooth.

   My wife texted me that she was not wearing any underwear. When I got home she was mad at me because I hadn't done the laundry in three weeks.

   My wife could not deside who to marry me or another guy who proposed to her. So she tossed a coin. I lost.

   The major cause of a divorce is the marriage.

   We can be the kind of people who put daffodils in vases. Or we can be the kind of people who leave ants outside.

   Everyone is talking about the royal wedding but life isn't a game of thrones

   Play boy no longer have nude models...... What is this world coming to.

   I never go to bed with ugly women. But somehow I wake up with them.

   Getting married is the second most popular thing we do in our lifetime. Getting divorce is the first.

   Did you know my people invented the Toothbrush? If it was invented by anyone else, they would have called it a teethbrush.

   Your Nano died? No biggie, just recharge it. Oh. You said "Nana", didn't you? Damn.

   My wife used to be a size eight. Now she's a figure 8.

   9/13 Happy birthday Milton Hershey, thank you for the Hershey bar. Also is Scooby Doo day.

   Time heals all wounds, so if your uninsured, get a watch!

   Come on people, does your vote really count? Or is it just a big con?

   with or without you, I'm still going...