Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   i have a man flu. I had a good run, I think this is the end for me. Tell my family I love them.

   Every dog has it's day . . . mine has his on the first day of March at H&R Block and usually ends up with a huge tax refund!

   Precision. Concentration. Patience. Fearlessness. For skills I possess when shaving my nuts that I could apply to other aspects of my life!

   now officially talking to myself but somehow I hear busy signals in my ears. I wonder if I can get call waiting?? Wait... Maybe its better I dont answer myself.

   When I was a kid we use to have wonder at times who are real friends were, but nowadays all you have to do is delate your facebook account and see who calls.

   If he say he is busy on valentines day, you're the other woman.

   I just bought a robotic vacuum cleaner that not only works great it allows me to get something productive done while looking at facebook!

   why is everyone working out? is there a war coming that I don't know about?

   My goal is to accomplish something productive each and every day! Oh but wait, first I have to logout of Facebook.....

   Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship

   Me: who’s that? Me: who’s that? Me: who’s that? Me: who’s that? Me: who’s that? Me: who’s that? Me: why are you leaving? -me, watching an Avengers movie with my family

   Toilet Duck. Because nobody wants to be hit by a toilet.

   Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.

   And just like that kids at the stroke of midnight on August 31 all the girls ears wiggled and BAM Pumpkin spice everywhere!

   I love my new phone that beeps and lights up every couple minutes to let me know it's battery needs charged before It uses up the last of its power to vibrate in a finely death quiver.

   Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband's mouth while he sleeps bc -Let's get this over with -He can eat mine -I really miss Fear Factor

   I've been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie's car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.

   Bruce Willis pours a can of Red Bull onto his flower bed then drinks 8 gallons of water out of a watering can before realising his mistake

   MOM: Is your high school crush still doing fine?? ME: Hell no!! She went from elegant to elephant!!

   The guy who keeps flooding the page with jokes has some really corny and unfunny jokes.