Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   just heard that they took the gold away from lindsey vonn! they gave it to obama instead since hes gone downhill faster than anyone else!Use

   a good deed is when you smoke weed

   If you don't know your drinking LIMIT, please DON'T GO OUT!! No need to get all drunk and act like a bada$$. Hey, i'm just trying to help you out.

   secretly Ron Burgundy

   and Richard Simmons are now friends

   When ever I see a guy type a "<3" I automatically think theyre gay...

   I hope you have pet insurance because I'm about to destroy your p*ssy.

   LIKE IF... You've recorded yourself singing to see if you could actually sing.

   how do you turn a fruit into a vegetable? Put him on a stage with Tigers!!!

   I just read that 44% of high school and college students won't be able to find a summer job due to the economy! Add in the military coming home looking for jobs,and I have no idea what Obama is thinking!

   American kid "You're from the UK? Ohhh cool, So do you have tea with the Queen?". British kid: "Do you like, go to Mcdonald's with Obama?"

   Your friendship means so much to me that... When you cry...I cry. When you laugh... I laugh. When you jump out a window... I laugh some more.

   All the stupid Tebow trolls can GFY... Brady is gods chosen son sorry Bronco fans...

   A new study found that about one percent of the U.S. population is allergic to gluten, while the other 99 percent are sick of having to hear about it.

   Donald Trump seems like the kind of guy who had a Y2K bunker.

   Bill Clinton denied having sexual relations with his intern because it was hugely embarrassing. Melania denies having sexual relations with Donald for the same reason.

   Lil Wayne Engaged, Wiz Khalifa Engaged, Snooki Pregnant & Engaged.... Everybody got a ring but Lebron.

   Jingle bells, my foot smells, I pulled it from your ass. Get a beer and bring it here then pour it in a glass. - My Christmas song.

   *Spoiler Alert* Batman dies of throat cancer on The Dark Knight Rises .

   If I liked a pic of you and your man, it doesn't mean I'm mature... It means holla at me if he acting up.