Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   *swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*

   No woman will ever be truly satisfied on Valentines day because no man has a chocolate slong wrapped in money that ejaculates diamonds.

   As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.

   If I was a spy, my perfect code name would be "Individual 1".

   Today, I lied, lied about lying, changed my mind, lied about changing my mind, changed my mind about lying, blamed someone for something I did, lied about blaming someone, took a breath, and lied.

   The problem with quotes by famous people you read online is anyone could have brought them. Thomas Edison,

   Sarah Palin still a Trump loyalist?

   I think Eminem should become a dentist just so he can say "snap back to reality, oh there's a cavity."

   When it comes time to vote and your only choice is between a liar and an orangutan

   Sarah Palin claims Russia didn't hack the DNC because she can see them from her house.

   I think I'll feel much better once I beat someone to death.

   I wonder, when the citizens of Russia are filling out their Census form, do they put under Occupation “Chechnya”?

   Trump's new moderated immigration stance: Instead of building a wall, he only wants a heavy curtain or moveable partition.

   @ a funeral . ME: What's the WiFi password PRIEST: Respect the dead ME: Is that all small letters?

   Kinda shocking to see that pic of Carrot Top holding Trumps head.

   If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it's yours. If it doesn't, hunt it down and beat the snot out of it.

   Fire fighters confirmed that the fire did not start in Trumps library 📚

   I accidentally filled the Escort with diesel....she died

   The two things a wife can do to make her husband happy. Pack her bags and leave.

   It must be extremely hard to be a Nigerian lawyer who specializes in international inheritance law.