Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Don't talk to me unless you're a dog.

   I am way to old for this "being sober" sh*t...

   why would you run on a treadmill when you could just turn it into a bed

   having sex with your ex is not cheating.....it is just a retirement benefits scheme

   Tom has a lot of space. He named his website very accurately.

   this cocaine cut with flour? Because I'm gluten free and very heath conscious.

   A big well done you had unprotected $eX and made a baby. Bravo *slow claps*

   hello there, the angel from my nightmare.

   Relax, I only plan on violating you virtually, you sexy beast.

   Ok effff it, I guess I'll go ahead and say it first, "new year new me!"

   Sorry you bled to death while I was looking at my phone.

   If you've ever been to the zoon and seen a gorilla get frustrated and distroy a banana with its fists then you've seem my wife give a hand job.

   Did a 5k today only instead of kilometers it was the number of calories I ate at lunch.

   Everyone is still talking about the Mayweather and Pacquiao fight and I'm just here like Dez caught it.

   The 26.2 sticker in the rear window of my car is to signify how many beers I drink in a typical weekend.

   Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.

   certain needs that can't be satisfied by working on toys!

   I never thought I would live to see the day that someone made a 'Piñata Endangerment Awareness' group...

   one has facebook complex when he/she needs to have as many "friends" as possible regardless of who they are or if they even really know the person.

   "Good, clean fun" is a euphemism for "having to get all dressed up and do something you don't want to, so your grandmother doesn't get sad"