Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   All the founding members of the band "Survivor" are still alive. It's a pride thing.

   Honestly, I don't get the whole "sandwich after sex" thing. I either want to go to sleep or watch "Archer" reruns.

   FACT: You could also be burned at the stake during the Salem Witch Trials for telling that dumb "what do you call a witch at the beach" joke.

   Brace yourselves it's Harley Quinn weekend!

   Just saw my auto insurance agent use a calculator to calculate 2017-2013 to show me it's been 4 years......... time for a new insurance company. 😅

   Looking for a way to charge my dog for staring at the window and watching squirrels all day. Petflix

   Holding off getting ready because it's not nearly the last minute yet.

   RIP Fats Dominoe. Even though I thought you died like 20 years ago it still hurts. Ain’t That a Shame”?

   "You sir, are a lactose-intolerant person with bee allergies." -Useful insult in the Land of Milk & Honey

   You know things are bad when George Dubya tells his Dad to stop embarassing the family!

   So the Houston Astros beat the Los Angeles Dodgers to win the World Series. Sort of reminds me fondly of last year's presidential election. (Red State beats Blue State).

   My wife just complimented me on my Alligator shoes. Problem is....I'm not wearing any shoes.

   So according to CNN and Sky News, 2017 was the 2nd wettest year on record. Personally I blame "Fifty Shades of Grey"

   Someone should open a Gym in just the month of January and call it "resolutions"

   Understanding women is simple. No means no. Maybe means no. And no means yes

   Women have better minds then men because the keep changing their minds.

   Back in my day we didn't have pods, we had Dry Powder, and we liked it.

   You’re multifaceted like a diamond, or a schizophrenic.

   A gambling addiction can cost you your marriage or win you a divorce

   I’m really confused as to why Kim & Kanye named their newborn “Chicago West” when Kanye is from the South Side of Chicago.