Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Rarely do I go a full day without attempting a Russian accent.

   Remember yesterday was September.... So,, Only three more months of summer

   Sometimes Jesus counts unlimited breadsticks, as one of His miracles.

   Trapped at work with nothing to do and no internet/bad phone reception. Realizing how boring my own thoughts are.

   Why can't journeys ever be fraught with pizza?

   Who needs facts? That's what opinions are for. New political slogan....

   If we don't build a wall on our northern border, they'll soon be maple syrup and Canadian bacon trucks on every corner.

   When a couple breaks up, the girl always thinks the guy blew it while the guy is glad he’s away from that psycho b*tch.

   Happy Teacher's day to all our Wives, we may have not heard so many lectures before, Thank You

   Sad people are fun to hang out with. They always have snacks around.

   A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

   Not do be outdone by the iPhone 7, Samsung announced today that their new phone will have a slightly less exploding battery.

   Roger Ailes is offering to sleep with all Female Trump supporters to raise money for charity.

   I feel bad for whichever government employee has to monitor me, as me vacuuming alone looks like a movie directed by David Lynch.

   You don't have to brush your teeth nearly as often when you're in a long distance relationship.

   High School In 5 Words: Wore helmet. Didn't play football.

   My daughter just made her Jr High volleyball team. If these moms are anything like the cheer moms I'm going to need more roofies.

   The wife of a friend of mine just had their baby in the hospital parking lot in case you're looking for money saving tips.

   You haven't lived like a pimp until you've paid your fall college tuition in cash.

   When it's time to pick teams I'm picking the concession stand every time because sno cones are delicious.