Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I went to the store to buy some invisible tape, but I didn't see any.

   Imagine: Naked in a room full of people who speak a different language & everyone wants to touch you. That is the life of a dog. 🐕

   Netflix and hide from adult responsibilities

   I broke a mirror in my house. I'm supposed to get seven years of bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

   Why does every Islam protester look like they just rolled out of bed with their uncle/brother?

   At Halloween never go to a dog park dressed as a fire hydrant.

   At least mansplaing only takes a few seconds. Womansplaining can take HOURS!!!!

   ALL MEN ARE @SSHOLES ...... Never mind ... He just texted me back .... False alarm ... my bad

   So over Christmas porn, there is only so much elf sex one can watch

   I think EVERY elevator should have it's "2" button replaced with,, "Congratulations, You lazy @$$."

   I'm boycotting beauty & the beast because of a teenage girl falling in love with a buffalo 💡

   when I go to the store looking for paper towel, I feel like a BOUNTY hunter

   "Judge me by what I say, not what I do" - the Art of the No Deal.

   i don't usually brag about my friday night plans but i'm at a party with seven dogs so

   Just heard on the news that fake news is up 200% on Facebook. So what else is new?

   I slept like a log, which means my underside was moist and bugs kept crawling up my crack.

   My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up

   how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?

   Praying Mantis wife: Are you cheating on me? Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave you that idea?

   Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.